There are phases in the journey to healing in which our perception of ourselves and life changes. Three phases begin with a place of being victimized, then through growth and change enters surviving, through more growth and change we enter THRIVING. Once a person has grown through the victim stage, he or she enters into the survivor stage, which is the time when one begins to feel strong and confident and to truly believe that there are resources and choices. The thriver stage crystallizes the growth of the survivor stage and takes one’s healing to the point where he or she has general satisfaction with life as well as a sense that ordinary life is both interesting and enjoyable. Commitment to moving forward, to taking care of one’s physical health, to investing in one’s career, relationships, and love and life allow these gains to occur.
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While there are certain things we will never have control over, such as how someone is going to react to us or whether our loved one will arrive safely, we can absolutely take measures to increase our sense of control and thus decrease our anxiety. Consider where you can increase your sense of control and as equally important, identify where you can choose to let go of control.
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Blame is a self-protective defense mechanism when our ego feels hurt or threatened. Blame prevents us from looking at our own responsibility in a conflict and only inflames the hurt and anger for us and our partner. We begin to blame particularly when something in the conflict resembles a negative childhood memory. So when feeling the defense to blame or attack take a small break (deep breath) and ask yourself if what you are hearing from your partner is what they are saying or is it your own inner critic? Once you take this step back you are able to look at your own patterns and inner critic, then express self vulnerably to your partner and ask what you need/want from them to feel cared for.
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Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy is a specific strategy utilized under the umbrella of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy founded by Albert Ellis. This strategy is utilized to identify irrational beliefs held by a person and learning to dispute them, allowing us to question our belief system and decide if that belief is effectively working or if we need to explore a healthier more rational thought process that serves us with less extreme emotions therefore allow us more control over our behaviors and interactions with others.
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